What does it mean to be an adult?

We are all grown-ups here, correct? Well, maybe…

It might be tempting to imagine that once we hit 18 or 21 or 30 that we are fully fledged adults, formed and functional. Or that the business of learning, growing, and evolving belongs solely to childhood and adolescence.

In reality, to become the complete and contented adult each of us has the potential to be, the process of developing, growing, and learning is a life’s work – assuming, of course, that we are curious and willing enough to engage with it.

In short, we have two choices: we can grow up, or we can grow old.

This idea of lifelong growing was explored by psychoanalyst Erik Erikson. His theory of psychosocial stages of development looked at how social relationships throughout our lifespan influence our sense of self. According to Erikson, each stage has a particular emotional and psychological conflict attached to it, but if resolved we gain greater strength or ‘virtue.’

For an infant under 12 months of age, the conflict is Trust vs Mistrust, and if resolved, hope is the virtue acquired. For someone in middle age, it is Generativity vs Stagnation, with generativity meaning the desire to contribute to society and nurture family. The virtue here, for successful midlifers who resolve the conflict between supporting the next generation and the very compelling desire to sit on the sofa in their pants, is care.

In addition to Erikson’s popular theory, most schools of psychotherapy suggest there is a young version of you, living inside the supposedly grown-up, adult version that you attempt to present to the world. Some call it our inner child.

In Transactional Analysis (TA), this young self is known as the Child ego state. In TA, the self is conceptualised as being divided into three consistent patterns of feeling and behaving, known as ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. When you are in your Child ego state, you will be thinking, feeling, and behaving as you did when you were a child. To be truly present and grown up, you must function from your Adult ego state, the part of you that responds to the here and now, in the here and now, with all the abilities you have as a grown up.

Functioning from your Adult ego state 24/7 is simply not possible, but with patience, curiosity, and self-compassion, we can begin to strengthen our Adult capacity and reach a place of greater autonomy, less influenced by old patterns of thinking and feeling that have their origins in early life.

Four signs that you are an adult (at least some of the time…)

You can be spontaneous

In our bid to control an uncontrollable world, avoid ambiguity and deny feelings, spontaneity can be sacrificed to schedule, and aliveness stifled by rigid routines, in service to performance and perfection. Being able to be spontaneous signals connection with our true self and our needs.

You can be intimate

We are talking about emotional intimacy here, which means being able to share your feelings and wants openly with another person. This requires you to be vulnerable and authentic, two further markers of grown-upness.

You can say sorry

You are OK (or just about!) with the idea that you can be wrong. You can apologise to others, and maybe even to yourself. This requires humility, accountability, and compassion.

You have awareness

You can experience the sights, sounds, feel and taste of things, without filtering them through a critical or restrictive voice in your head. We are trained to deaden our awareness and prioritise naming and criticising things. Being fully aware and present in our bodies, is a sign of being an adult. We are human beings, not human doings!

Working with a therapist can be useful at any age. Whether you are a young person, experiencing the anxiety of moving into adulthood, or an older individual, looking to make meaning of a long life. Exploring thoughts, feelings and behaviours can lead to greater adult autonomy, a capacity to connect with others and a sense of contentment.

I offer a free 15-minute initial consultation over the phone or online. Please email me and we can set something up.