Happy new year?

In early January, we wish each other a happy new year. It is a traditional greeting, lightly said, but speaks of the value we place on happiness. This is the gold standard of emotions, the one we all shoot for. We want happiness. We want to be happy in our work, enjoy a happy relationship, and we want our children to be happy. We may also be more comfortable telling others that we are happy – a feeling that gets universal approval – than that we are feeling sad, lost, unmotivated or panicked.

Wanting all this happiness is understandable, but is it realistic?

Why happiness can be hard

If one of your hopes for 2025 was to be happy, sorry, but that might be a bit ambitious. Or at least, a bit over simplified.

First of all, being happy is quite difficult. Our minds are already extremely busy navigating life. On any given day, a mind performs multiple, essential tasks, just so that we can get up, wash, dress, go to work, and perhaps even care for others. These tasks include:

fielding all the potentially derailing, distracting or appalling thoughts and feelings that may accost us at any second, and also sifting through vast quantities of new information each day – from the latest troubling global news, to the contents of a short chat with our mother. Ideally, our mind will only give priority to those thoughts, feelings and items that will help us keep broadly functional as we attempt to conduct our lives, and not those that will leave us swamped by anxiety, misery or a sense of futility.

ignoring our inner critics and their destructive chatter, often the legacy of unhelpful, unkind or simply mediocre parents.

being alert but not alarmed. There are infinite things to worry about, but ideally our mind can sort through those fears, discerning which ones are far-fetched and unlikely to happen and which are reasonable and deserve some attention. Our mind must help us stay aware of risk, while not assuming that every new situation or person is harmful or dangerous. It should balance our need for safety with our need for connection.

Unrealistic expectations

When we think about how hard our minds are working just to keep us going – with varying degrees of success, depending on how tired, stressed or ill we are – it is easier to understand how happiness may take a knock.

Nevertheless, we often carry unrealistic expectations of how life should be and feel. Of course we want to be happy – it’s nice! – but perhaps the goal should be to lead an interesting life, a life that is vibrantly in touch with all aspects of human reality, rather than simply a happy one. Such a life will inevitably contain sadness, suffering and great swathes of boredom, but also pleasure, love and play.

If we strive overly for happiness, we create unnecessary pressure for ourselves. Unhappy feelings becoming offensive to us, or a sign of failure. They are blacklisted. This does double harm. We feel sad or anxious, and then intensify that experience with a fat dose of self-hatred for having these unwanted emotions in the first place.

We all naturally seek to avoid pain, but in doing so we may lose out on pleasure. We cannot favour certain feelings over others. They all have their place. So, rather than prioritise happiness, we should give it equal ranking alongside all the other emotions we will inevitably experience in a lifetime. If we numb out or deny feelings that we do not like – rage, grief or jealousy – we are likely to numb out those feelings we profess to value – happiness, joy, serenity.

In order to feel real happiness, we must be open to all our emotions, greeting them with equal curiosity and respect, so that we are ready to catch and revel in the wonderful ones, those moments of joy, connection, love and simple contentment, whenever they come along.

Some other feeling states to aim for in January and beyond

Peaceful – rather than blissed-out happiness, a state of quiet serenity might be more attainable. We calmly accept the unpleasant moments of our day and remain open to the small pops of pleasure, respite and contentment: that first sip of hot coffee in the morning, an unexpected few minutes of sunshine on a grey day, a robin hopping through branches, a cute dog passing you in the street.

Hopeful – holding onto hope is one of the greatest achievements of the human mind. Against all the evidence of man’s cruelty, the unfairness that is everywhere in the world, the small disappointments of daily life, our minds can – if working well – still find reasons for hope and optimism. They can ignore the siren call of despair, apathy and rage and notice what is good, creative and loving in the world.

Compassionate – reaching for compassion might be a more beneficial goal than striving for happiness. That starts with compassion for self. Learning to accept every aspect of your complex and contradictory personality takes time and effort, particularly if you grew up in an environment drenched in criticism or neglect, but it is crucial to self-acceptance, a quieter mind, and a greater capacity to love, care and create.

Working with a therapist can help you feel more compassionate, hopeful and serene. I offer a free 15-minute initial consultation over the phone or online. Please email me and we can set something up.