Three simple therapy truths explained

Let’s begin with a statement of the obvious: the human mind is complex, and our understanding of it continues to evolve. Numerous schools of psychotherapy exist, and there are countless theories on why we think, feel and behave as we do.

Nevertheless, certain truths persist, and remain relevant for almost any individual. They can be distilled into neat little aphorisms – easy to remember, helpfully accurate – that are useful to keep in mind.

Here are three…

WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSISTS

The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung coined this one, to highlight the paradoxical nature of resistance. The more you resist something, the more you give it life. You might be resisting a difficult truth, a loss, a physical pain, or an unwanted desire. You may do this by keeping busy, distracting yourself with work, or numbing out on alcohol or exercise, but the ‘issue’ persists. In fact, thanks to the laws of attraction, by directing your energy and feelings towards resisting it, you actually bring it to you.

Resistance is about not being able or willing to deal with unwanted experiences, thoughts or feelings. When we fight or deny them, in a bid to protect ourselves, we make our lives harder. The solution is to look at them, find some accommodation with them and maybe even let them go.

NAME IT TO TAME IT

This is a variation of what you resist, persists. It is a call to arms: honestly speak of what burdens you, or it will remain powerful. It will show up in all areas of your life: in behaviours such as irritability, withdrawal and anxiety, or symptoms including insomnia and panic attacks. The solution is to confront it, name it, shine a light on it, talk about it and unpack it.

A variation on this might be: face it to fix it.

YOU SPOT WHAT YOU’VE GOT

This neatly explains how what you notice and criticise in others, may be something you have, too. What you hate in that person may be what you hate in yourself.

The difficulty is that often, the thing you dislike about yourself may be hidden. We are our own blindspots, after all. Even the thing you crave or desire may be hidden, because it has become unacceptable to you, thanks to parental messages, cultural codes or your own early survival strategies. As a result, it has been disavowed by you. But it hasn’t gone away. That’s why you see it so readily in others.

For example, you hate the way people snack on train journeys. You are irritated by how they can’t go a single journey without munching on crisps and swigging drinks. Why can’t they just shut up and do without, like you do? What are they, little kids who need a bag of sweets to make a half-hour train ride bearable?

In fact, you spot this snacking because there is a part of you that wants to do the same. You want the comfort and pleasure of food, and the freedom to follow your appetites. You are hungry, but you have disavowed that hunger. Instead, you notice it in others.

So, if you feel unduly preoccupied with certain flaws in other people, you may be experiencing the 'spot it, got it' phenomenon. There is important information about your true feelings here. Reframe it and ask whether the trait you see in them, actually belongs to you.

Which leads to one final aphorism: See it and free it.

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