Why worry? The roots and reasons behind habitual worry

We all know people who are worriers. They habitually worry, they obsess and they may find themselves lost in repetitive fantasies that involve disaster and doom. It’s no fun for them and can be hard to be around, too, but how does someone become this way? What purpose does habitual worry serve? And how might anyone prone to obsessive worrying heal?

Why worry?

Habitual worriers are often, at core, lonely. They have lost hope for meaningful relationships. Important conversations with the significant people in their lives may be absent.

Each of us has relational needs. These are needs we cannot meet on our own, but only in relationship with another. They include the need for validation, acceptance, love, security and mutual dependence. Habitual worriers have not had these needs satisfied, and to distract from the pain of that, they may find a substitute.

This is where obsessing, constant worry and repetitive fantasising come in. Each fills a hole. It distracts. It is helpful, in fact, to see each as a brilliantly creative strategy to help a person achieve some kind of emotional balance in their daily life and cope with the psychological stress of problematic relationships.

Of course, these strategies are also flawed and cost the person using them. Habitual worry will interrupt contact with others. A full-time worrier can be hard to reach and relate to. They cling so tightly to familiar behaviours and habits as a means of survival and self-regulation, that they are not able to experience vulnerability, intimacy, spontaneity and creativity.

Habitual worrying is also a person's attempt to influence the past or the future. It distracts from living in the now. It often works as an insurance against shock, too, should something go wrong. This future-facing worry may in fact have its roots in something that went wrong in the past - a rupture, trauma or shock. To avoid that distressing experience again, a person worries about the future. Worry – falsely – helps them to feel proactive, as if by worrying, they are protecting themselves, not against the thing happening again, but from the shock of it. They predict disaster in order to lessen its sting.

I worry all the time. What will help?

Curiosity is always helpful. Gently consider what you might be avoiding by habitually worrying and obsessing.

Often, we are avoiding our thoughts, feelings or memories and steering ourselves off what we might authentically experience as shame, loneliness or despair.

In addition, we may be confirming what we believe about ourselves, others and what life is like (in Transactional Analysis, we call this our Life Script). We are so caught up obsessing that our loved ones feel pushed out, which serves to confirm something we believe about ourselves – “I am alone, no one is here for me.” Or we worry so much about each piece of work we do that we fail to hit deadlines and are passed over for promotion, confirming what we believe about life – “life is tough and full of disappointments.”

To follow the trail back to the source of this worry, and work out what it was originally designed for – protection, self-regulation, confirmation of old beliefs and ideas – ask yourself what sensations you have in your body when you’re worrying, how you make sense of them, do they remind you of anything, what are you picturing or imagining?

It’s important to get back in touch with yourself. Habitual worry and obsessing will blunt your ability to read your own needs, and the capacity to be in good contact with others. Essentially, it makes it harder to know what you want and harder to get close to others.

Living in the present

Becoming more mindfully aware of the present is vital. Accept that life is uncertain, live in the present moment, and connect with nature and a sense of gratitude.

It can be helpful to look back through time and think about all the wasted energy and opportunities for fun, creativity, exploration and spontaneity that may have been missed through obsessing and worrying.

It is also helpful to do this delicate work with a therapist. We are hurt in relationships and we heal in relationships. A warm and supportive therapist can help you uncover the source and reasons for your worrying, build back your sense of OKness and support you in living more fully and lightly in the now.

I offer a free 15-minute initial consultation over the phone or online. Please email me and we can set something up.