What therapy is… and what it is not

Therapy happens behind a closed door. It is shared, generally, by just two people – therapist and client. Private, confidential, maybe a bit mysterious. No wonder misconceptions or unrealistic hopes exist around the process. Here are five…

Therapy is a place to vent

Pouring out your experiences, thoughts and feelings to a non-judgmental therapist in a confidential space – of course, this is what therapy is about. It can feel amazing simply to be heard, and to unburden. That release can be powerful – things often become more bearable when we put them into language – but venting alone is not sufficient to bring genuine, lasting healing. For that, you need to be open to the therapist’s enquiries and challenges, and to begin to self-reflect.

Therapy is affirming

Sometimes, but not always. Transactional Analysis (TA), the modality I am trained in, believes that everybody is OK. I hold this belief at the heart of my work, but that does not mean I will validate every detail of how you live. I won’t collude with you. I am there to help you understand your mind, and the way you are in relation to others. You need to know I can hear you, be moved and impacted by you, but also hold my own thinking.

So, the therapeutic relationship must feel safe, but not too safe. Change happens at the edge of comfort. I have to encourage you out of your comfort zone, or there is no growth. I will challenge (gently), I will draw your attention to inconsistencies in your narrative or ask for evidence for the things you believe about yourself. This may sound intimidating or irritating, but the most commonly sited reason for a client to leave therapy is not enough challenge. Woolly, marshmallowy therapy is ultimately unsatisfying – and a waste of your time and money.

You feel bad when you go into a session, and better when you come out

This can be true, but the opposite can also happen. You go into a therapy session thinking you have nothing to talk about, then 20 minutes in you tap into sadness, anger or grief. So, yes, therapy can feel uncomfortable, but there is value in this (see above!)

There are quick fixes

Clients often come wanting to feel less angry or anxious, to get over something (an illness, a break-up) or back to something (normal, how they used to feel). And they want hints, tips or handy techniques to do this. This is understandable. Modern life values the fast, the instant and the easy. We want what we want, and we want it quickly. Mobile technology allows us lightning-quick connection to services, information and distraction. Perhaps it’s no surprise that we want, or hope, that therapy can be the same. Quick fixes, minimal effort.

In fact, therapy takes time, and an investment of effort, attendance, reflection and money. It is about building a relationship with a therapist, and healing through it; about exploring and reflecting on a lifetime of thoughts, feelings and experiences, with the goal of feeling more alive, present and at ease. That can happen, but not instantly. Practical support that brings some symptom relief is of course on offer, but quick tips that take no account of the detail of your life or the complexity of your mind – of any human mind – are not.

You can do therapy now and then

A couple of sessions when you’re feeling a bit low, or perhaps fortnightly or ad hoc? Sorry, therapy does not work like that. Would you expect to see meaningful change in your body by working with a personal trainer once a fortnight?

Weekly sessions remain the tried and trusted way to ‘do’ therapy. That regularity helps to build the therapeutic relationship, maintain momentum and provide safety. If you open up a painful new feeling or memory in one session then don’t come back for two weeks, that can be hard to handle alone. A commitment to regular meetings provides a steady container and signals to yourself that you, and your well-being, matter.

I offer a free, no-obligation 15-minute initial chat. If you are interested in starting therapy, please do get in touch.